Tuesday, April 5, 2011

MIxed Feelings

Not sure where to start. Parts of me miss Ryan. This guy, who we will call "Mr.Big" is fickle. Very fickle. More than the usual man. I mean, we talk dirty, but then we talk like friends and he talks about hanging out, yet nothing. This has got me thinking "Whats EXACTLY wrong with me" I look at him and think "Hes not THAT cute" I dunno what Im feeling. I miss Ryan for the mere fact he was comfort. Im used to being single. So why am I struggling with this....

Wednesday, March 23, 2011



So! HELLO! Ryan has still been in jail...for almost a good 2 months now...No surprise. He hasnt called so we are gonna skip this part. Out of sight, out of mind.
So that one guy,....Yeah weve been talking.Not sure whats gonna come of it. I know he makes me feel those butterflies, those goosebumps and yet we still havent gone out.So what to REALLY tell you.

I feel WAY better. I am no longer crying and I NOW see that he , Ryan is bad for me. I mean as much as I thought he was the one for me, he's not. If he was, he wouldnt have treated me so horribly.

So what is REALLy going on with this new dude. Not sure. LOTS of flirting. Lots of playfulness. I am just enjoying it. I am SINGLE. He's Single...and to be honest, he has a GREAT job and a strong sense of humor and stability (So I hope) I just am enjoying this ME time.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sorry-Oh SO Sorry

Ive neglected you with my life, Well what to tell you. Now that there is no Ryan, I have been in my hermit shell. Not sure of what my nxt move is. So what else to tell you...Ryan is in jail. The other day he had a chola call me to tell me he loves me. SOOOOOOOOOO Romantic *Rolls eyes* I got so used to the meth, the lies, the posible cheating, the fighting that now I am just a scared little puppy.
I started Weight Watchers again. I had gained sooooo much weight from this whole ordeal that now, I feel like I REALLY neglected me. And that's sad. I lost part of myself in him. So I am talking to a new guy. Nothing serious. Just sex. I am not even expecting that. The flirting is what is making me smile and honestly, I cannot handle another relationship. Shit, I am even scared to have sex with another man. Seems like I am once again scared of sex. 
What to tell you about this guy...*Taps fingers* I think hes cute. I think he is funny...in fact LOTS of women do. He is a radio DJ here in L.A...*Smiles* Whether its just friendship or not...I like smiling because someone new is into me and I am into him. I dig him. Older by 8 years, own house, not married, GREAT job, seems out together--however only time will tell. Again nothing serious.

Ryan has hindered my love life for awhile. I am damaged and as soon as I figure out what I really want in a man, I am just gonna let go and have fun.

I live with a lot of guilt from Ryan. Parts of me feel as if I am cheating on him. Parts of me still am in love with him and the rest of the parts know I am better off and deserve happiness. 

I am happy!

No tears.

No fights.

In fact it is so unusual to me.

So yes, there is the 411! I need to get back on track with this blog!

Love ya!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

He's in Jail

Ryan is in Jail......
For burglary.
His birthday was was the 21 of February and I keep thinking about MY birthday last August.

Last birthday he woke me up by being MAD at me for no reason. Just felt like being a prick to me on my birthday. Turns out he was high/coming down.
So today is his birthday. And he is siting in a jail cell.


I quit trying to piece why he is in there and realize I will probably never get a straight answer.

Burglary for being in a PAID parking stall...

Sounds like trespassing to me but whatever.

Parts of me want to believe his story...those are the parts that are still healing, still fragile, still foreign to detaching with love.
The sane, the real me, knows a burglary had to have taken place.

He has 3 visible Felonies on him.

Yet there was 12 past charges (from what I remember)
He called me  a few times (never accepted the charges) but then called from the office phone while he was in my city's jail but was soon transfered to te BIG JAIL here in LA...Its a jail known for death and brutality.

Today I drove by the mens jails and as my mom mocked and laughed at him, behind my black sunglasses my eyes welted up with tears.

No one will ever know what its like to be with an addict.

I fact no one who is NOT us will know what its like to love one.

I didnt second guess my decision. I know I did the right one. But sometimes, I wish people would just stop mocking him.

I should hate him. But I don't.

I know underneath the drug addict is a man who stand 12 feet tall in my eyes. Who is kind and caring...they obviously don't REALLY know him like I do.

But today, the laughter felt as if I was being made fun of too...actually just not today, most of the time it does.

Its not a bag on Ryan free-for-all...because in ways I feel like it's a bag on me free-for-all too... I was apart of it more than anyone. More than his own mother and brother (who btw are still in denial their "James" is a drug addict)...

Even though I am making progress, I just wish the negative comments on what a beast he is would stop...I know he is a beast. I know the things he said to me and did to me were HORRIBLE. I know this. I am not some stupid 25 year old girl who sees the world through rose colored glasses.

I know my mom, friends, and whomever mocks it, wont get what it's like to love an addict and having to detach with love...

Its hard ya know...knowing he is probably shitting in his pants. Probably VERY scared despite his strong facade.

Just the mocks, bad mouthing hurts...

Is that normal?

Ima say yes...

And forward I go...


I know I havent written...just trying to sort through what I feel.

I am mad at him....

Some may not understand how I can still have love for him and thats okay you dont have to...I know how to DETACH with love...

I'll write more...just let me see things clearly...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

When Does Happiness Begin?

He called. This time from a blocked number. Which is weird because he is IN jail . At first it took some time to grasp who t was. Through the sobbing and cracks I realized it was Ryan. He apologized profusely. I stood quiet. He went on to explain the same story he gave his brother. The only thing different is that its BURGLARY Because he was in a paid parking stall.Still dont know how true that is because at this point anything that comes out of Ryans mouth is 75% a lie.
I do miss SOBER NOT TROUBLE Ryan. This whole single shit is not for me. It's a lonely place to be and at this point I am convinced I will always be alone. I just cannot be one of those girls who will always have a fill-in. 
On another note: I joined Weight Watchers again...I gained about 30 pounds since December. NOT Good. And as of right now, I am as sick as a dog. My face feels like it got punched in numerous times. Then again so does my heart.
After we hung up I didnt cry, nor even ache. But my heart did feel exhausted.
When does my happiness begin. When does SEXY STEF come back?

I feel like the past few months have drained me dry of happiness and of sexiness. I feel like God has dragged me through the dirt and mud and now I am questioning WHY?

Why me? 

Friday, February 18, 2011


After NUMEROUS calls from the jail and NUMEROUS denying them.

After many hours by myself, alone, thinking....

Ryan was arrested for burglary.Bail is $50,000 and bond $5,000. I dunno why he is calling me...I DO NOT have that money and if I did I WOULD NOT use it on his bail!

His story is that while he was on the streets, he apparently became a police informant. Meaning a RANDOM cop asked him to help take down drug dealers. Well today, he went to tell the cop he no longer wanted to do it. So the cop arrested him and charged him with Burglary.Even though he did not break into anywhere. Which then it would be considered trespass. But we ALL know that his behavior is that of an addict...so since his mouth is moving, he is lying.

This is where my blank stare comes in and smirk.

So do I believe the story he is giving others? No.

We all know that he MOST LIKELY got caught red handed and is just trying to work his way out of it.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


My friend Gloria got a message from Ryan saying a Jeff D. with the email jizzy1011@yahoo.com saying :

"stef has been all up on me since you two were together. and she is on me right now. by the way this is what she thinks of yo druggy ass



-Blank Stare-

So I heard this and called him asking him to forward the email...Ryan said he sent the email to my email but some how I have received nothing.4 times!

So I had him send it to my work email...

It was BLANK.

So he sends it again...said he copied and pasted it...and the message above it was it said.

So I emailed the guy Jeff or whoever it is, asking but no response

He also told me he got the email at 6:52 and yet told my friend at 6:35. I asked him for the time again Ryan is sticking to 6:52 yet told my friend about this at 6:35

How would ANYONE on the forum know his REAL name and EMAIL?

Does this sound like an addict story to you?