When Does Happiness Begin?

He called. This time from a blocked number. Which is weird because he is IN jail . At first it took some time to grasp who t was. Through the sobbing and cracks I realized it was Ryan. He apologized profusely. I stood quiet. He went on to explain the same story he gave his brother. The only thing different is that its BURGLARY Because he was in a paid parking stall.Still dont know how true that is because at this point anything that comes out of Ryans mouth is 75% a lie. I do miss SOBER NOT TROUBLE Ryan. This whole single shit is not for me. It's a lonely place to be and at this point I am convinced I will always be alone. I just cannot be one of those girls who will always have a fill-in.  On another note: I joined Weight Watchers again...I gained about 30 pounds since December. NOT Good. And as of right now, I am as sick as a dog. My face feels like it got punched in numerous times. Then again so does my heart. After we hung up I didnt cry, nor even ache. But my heart did feel exhausted. When does my happiness begin. When does SEXY STEF come back?
I feel like the past few months have drained me dry of happiness and of sexiness. I feel like God has dragged me through the dirt and mud and now I am questioning WHY?
Why me?