Saturday, February 26, 2011

He's in Jail

Ryan is in Jail......
For burglary.
His birthday was was the 21 of February and I keep thinking about MY birthday last August.

Last birthday he woke me up by being MAD at me for no reason. Just felt like being a prick to me on my birthday. Turns out he was high/coming down.
So today is his birthday. And he is siting in a jail cell.


I quit trying to piece why he is in there and realize I will probably never get a straight answer.

Burglary for being in a PAID parking stall...

Sounds like trespassing to me but whatever.

Parts of me want to believe his story...those are the parts that are still healing, still fragile, still foreign to detaching with love.
The sane, the real me, knows a burglary had to have taken place.

He has 3 visible Felonies on him.

Yet there was 12 past charges (from what I remember)
He called me  a few times (never accepted the charges) but then called from the office phone while he was in my city's jail but was soon transfered to te BIG JAIL here in LA...Its a jail known for death and brutality.

Today I drove by the mens jails and as my mom mocked and laughed at him, behind my black sunglasses my eyes welted up with tears.

No one will ever know what its like to be with an addict.

I fact no one who is NOT us will know what its like to love one.

I didnt second guess my decision. I know I did the right one. But sometimes, I wish people would just stop mocking him.

I should hate him. But I don't.

I know underneath the drug addict is a man who stand 12 feet tall in my eyes. Who is kind and caring...they obviously don't REALLY know him like I do.

But today, the laughter felt as if I was being made fun of too...actually just not today, most of the time it does.

Its not a bag on Ryan free-for-all...because in ways I feel like it's a bag on me free-for-all too... I was apart of it more than anyone. More than his own mother and brother (who btw are still in denial their "James" is a drug addict)...

Even though I am making progress, I just wish the negative comments on what a beast he is would stop...I know he is a beast. I know the things he said to me and did to me were HORRIBLE. I know this. I am not some stupid 25 year old girl who sees the world through rose colored glasses.

I know my mom, friends, and whomever mocks it, wont get what it's like to love an addict and having to detach with love...

Its hard ya know...knowing he is probably shitting in his pants. Probably VERY scared despite his strong facade.

Just the mocks, bad mouthing hurts...

Is that normal?

Ima say yes...

And forward I go...


I know I havent written...just trying to sort through what I feel.

I am mad at him....

Some may not understand how I can still have love for him and thats okay you dont have to...I know how to DETACH with love...

I'll write more...just let me see things clearly...