Saturday, February 12, 2011

Hello My Name is Stefanie & I am Recovering...

I can sit here and tell you I am happy...The usual B.S.

But parts of me aren't.

Its those parts of me that Ache for him.

The parts that makes me wonder, "Why is he an addict"

It's the parts of me that make me want to lash out at his mother and brother for not seeing he is an addict.

The parts of me that want to yell at them fr enabling his drug use and sickness.
The parts that make me REALLY wonder how they DON'T see he is using.

Giving him his car back: Only lets him get to the drugs faster...

Giving him his iPhone back: Only allows him to communicate with his dealers and users

Giving him money: Only allows him to purchase them

I thought about the woman who called him "Ricky" and wanted to "Blow clouds" with him...

Funny how now I think about it...I was with a Ricky..someone whom I never even met-never even fell in love with...A "Ricky" not a Ryan...funny how he took on two identities....Which means I never really knew him.

I am scared to have fun because maybe I am scared I will enjoy it too much.

Let go and let God---

I will be okay...I think...


Barry said...

I know you'll be okay Stef. That one day, I don't know when, you'll be in a good place in your life and look back on this as just a memory.

I think maybe you're afraid to have fun because part of you thinks you don't deserve it? Perhaps there's some guilt because Ryan is in the place he's in right now and it's hard to laugh and feel good?

You deserve it Stef. You deserve to have fun and feel good and love again. It'll come in time, just always be good to yourself.

And never doubt you did the right thing.