Thursday, February 10, 2011

CONFESSION: I am sick too...

I ignored his pone calls...Yes, CALLS. He called and hung up, called and hung up, called and hung up.

3 times.

I was in the backseat of my moms car going to dinner.

I wanted to cry, pick up the phone and cry. But something in me just couldnt.

Maybe it was the mere fact that I am DONE crying and now I am trying to rearrange my life back to "Before Ryan"

I think I forgot what life was like before him.

From the stories I am told, I was a funny, kind, caring, amazing, talented, put-together, well-rounded, smart, sensitive, lovable person.

"I deserve better" I told myself.
"I made the RIGHT decision"  I chanted over and over in my head.

I was drowning in unhappiness with him.
When he was sad. I was.
When he was was I.

Who am I?

Stefanie silly.

I am Stefanie...

The smiling girl on my Facebook pictures look so happy and I wonder, where is she? That girl in the pictures.Where did she go...?

Ahhh addiction.

Addiction has hidden her.

She was thinner. Prettier. And HAPPIER...

I made the RIGHT decision.

I am 25. I need a man who is SOBER.Clean. Who makes me laugh more than cry.

Do men like that even exist?

I am scared that he has broken me beyond repair and the only man who will ever want me is an addict like himself. As he always told me, "No wonder I did drugs, to be with you a man has to be a little crazy"

Even though that WHOLE phrase stings me...some parts of me, the sick parts believe this..

I am sick. Sick isnt it?


Stephie J said...

Im so proud to hear this babe!! im so happy you didnt pick up the phone!