Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Am I Crazy?

He called me today.It was from a blocked number...and I am those people who pick up blocked calls. My mom calls me blocked alot...yep.  He seems to be on a "I am okay" path but says inside he is hurting...He also played the "50/50" role but mostly blamed it on me...without using so many words of course. I a baby. I am not Gonna lie I was bundled in a ball crying my eyes out.

Some how he is convinced that 50% of the time I woke up fighting...not true. Anyone who knows me knows that I am like an animal...Im all good if you leave me be and do your thing...but if you poke me over and over expect me to say something. I have always had a problem with keeping what I feel inside at that exact moment I am feeling it.

He says he is Sober... So I look and feel crazy when I say:

1. He was sweating<--EXCESSIVELY!

2. Breaking out around his mouth and chin<--Said it was from his chin beard which when he was in rehab didnt break out. In FACT he had PERFECT skin while in rehab...go figure.

3. Bad Hygiene<---Would sweat and not shower, or not wipe his butt fully or wash his hands..

4.Paranoia --He was convinced I was cheating

5.aggressive behavior <---Thats a given

6. uncontrollable movements <---In his sleep he would jerk maybe once or twice as he was falling into sleep, but asleep jerk every other 2 hours.

7. false sense of confidence and power<--He thought he was Brad Pitt some days

8. delusions of grandeur leading to aggressive behavior

9. uninterested in friends, sex, or food<----Sometimes during sex he would not be able to get "Hard" It was limp for a good 6 days.....

10. severe depression<--Was always sad....

These behaviors are those of a user...But remember, he is NOT using and it is ALL IN MY HEAD...

So is I the crazy one?

Are these behaviors those of a non-user? I have spoken to many recovering addicts who say, that the behaviors listed are those of a user...He once told me that he has PAW....Post Addiction Withdrawal...which to be honest he fits NONE of the characteristics...

I feel crazy...

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, is it REALLY a duck?

P.S: No baby....Got my period. Gopod thing right?


Stephie J said...

GREAT THING! So happy you're not pregnant.

You're definetly not crazy.. if anything you're crazy for staying so long.. you should have left months ago.

Krazy Azz Malika said...

he's such a dick and you deserve so much better. stop giving him control of your emotions, he isn't worth your tears.

Trish said...

Hey Stef! It's been a minute! Sorry to hear about you and Ryan. He seems to really need help, something he can't get until he's really, truly ready.

You are definitely NOT crazy!