It's been one week. Exactly. I don't know where to start or even where it stops.... A Part of me HATES him. A part of me ...not a part...many parts still love him. The parts that are RYAN....MY RYAN.
I dunno how I am suppose to be feeling. Some say my big girl panties should be put on and others are telling me the crying wont stop within a week...I am on the crying wont stop side of the fence. I put the Big Girl Panties on and I can sit there and not cry, but any moment I get...alone...Trapped in a room with my own thoughts, the thoughts of his kisses. His hugs...his laugh....
Some say, "You miss the thought of him..." No I am 99/9% sure I miss HIM. Never missed a man like this. I feel like a body part is missing and I am dying to have it back.
And so I sit there...Missing him...
He told me a story about after a N.A meeting he and a few of the guys played poker for 2.5 hours. He gave a guy a ride home, but wasn't sure (didn't know) his name. The guy left his wallet in his car so Ryan brought it back to him. How do you A) Play poker with someone for 2.5 HOURS and not catch someones name and B) How do you give someone a ride home without knowing their name? He later said it was some Mexican name he couldn't pronounce...The story just isn't making sense.
I'm going to disband comments on this post...for what I am about to say may make some mad...but these are MY feelings. And JUST SO YOU KNOW...I AM NOT GOING BACK TO RYAN....But...
I sometimes wonder if I am making a mistake.
If some how I was the problem that created this heartache and mess.
If we can work it out...
If he is telling the truth..
What if...what if....what if.....
Yes...My heart still says, "Ryan...." and my head says, "No Stef......"
How can I still love him?
Because I do.....
The pain I feel feels as if I can die. I feel like dying. I feel like my insides are just torn into shreds....
I miss him....
And I want this pain to stop....
I miss him....
I hate this IMMENSE pain I am feeling...
