Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm not fine...will I ever be?

I am not okay....

So this is what PAIN feels like...

I never knew I could love someone as much as I loved him. I loved him more than I have loved any man in my life.

Yesterday is a blur and today, partly. Yesterday I had anxiety attack after attack. He texted me. He wanted me back. To work things out. Try a different approach. His plan sounded pretty. It sounded like glitter and gold. It was a good plan to SAY....His brother told me a few things though. That whenever I was with Ryan and his family, he seemed sad. How am I suppose to take that. He also informed me that his own mom felt like him sticking his finger up his ass and putting it up my nose and in my mouth was better than hitting me.
I am boggled. 

So as my mom and I were going to dinner....I KNEW I had to tell her what REALLY went on. I did. She cried. She shook and cried. She pulled over and was mortified that someone did that to her daughter.

In all honesty, I would have rather had him hit me.

My mom texted him. She said things along the lines that he is a piece of shit...
Her ONLY daughter was violated.

It was goodbye...

My heart is breaking. Aching. And his addiction sucked the life out of me. I am scared. Not to be single but scared that NO man will ever wife me up. I dont feel pretty. I feel...broken. I feel broken. Who is Stefanie? Where is the Stefanie I knew last May? Where did she go? His addiction  must have taken her.

Someone asked if he was using or sober...

Here are my thoughts: HE IS USING METH AGAIN.

1. He was sweating<--EXCESSIVELY!

2. Breaking out around his mouth and chin<--Said it was from his chin beard which when he was in rehab didn't break out. In FACT he had PERFECT skin while in rehab...go figure.

3. Bad Hygiene<---Would sweat and not shower, or not wipe his butt fully or wash his hands..

4.Paranoia --He was convinced I was cheating

5.aggressive behavior <---Thats a given

6. uncontrollable movements <---In his sleep he would jerk maybe once or twice as he was falling into sleep, but asleep jerk every other 2 hours.

7. false sense of confidence and power<--He thought he was Brad Pitt some days

8. delusions of grandeur leading to aggressive behavior

9. uninterested in friends, sex, or food<----Sometimes during sex he would not be able to get "Hard" It was limp for a good 6 days.....

10. severe depression<--Was always sad....

Its a gut feeling...

Will I ever be good enough for another man?
Will my heart ever mend....


malikasblogaccount said...

one of my besties taught me something recently. i told her about my seemingly incurable insecurities an she told me to fake it til i make it. she told me to tell myself that i was the finest motherfucker ever until i believed it.

i remember reading your blogs before ryan stepped in and you were funny, insightful, sociable and lovable. remember the many readers that loved to comment on your posts? you can't fully move on to the right man until you get this one out of your system. so write, vent, and cry, but only give yourself a few more days to do it.

tell yourself that after friday, that fucker isn't going to make you feel like this anymore. saturday morning, you're going to wake up and act fabulous as hell and smile and doll yourself up. go out, have fun. he can be his family's problem from now on, not yours. you deserve so much better.

p.s. welcome back!! as you can see, i'm back too. we're gonna get you through this!!