Friday, January 28, 2011

Broken up and broken

We broke up...those of you who know, who I am talking about.

I will take blame. There were times when I hung it (addiction and past) over his head, times in which, I CONSTANTLY checked his phone. Times in which I had ALL his passwords. But honestly, I never named called.

He called me such horrible names. brushed up against me, so I pushed back. I pushed him. I was so hurt by him and the name calling. I guess the pushing did it that time. He threw me on the bed, pulled down his pants, stuck his finger up his...well the part where the sun dont shine, held me down and wiped in under my nose and put his finger in my mouth.

Theres a 50% I am pregnant. I wont know until next week and I am officially late.

He left. 

Took his stuff and left.

Yes I admit there were days in which I treated him like the gum on my shoe...But I REALLY do love him.

My heart is hurting. How can I be in love with someone who hurts me?

Ive been with him through his addiction and rehab.... 

I did what is BEST for me. He wasnt the same. He was depressed...depressed over needing money. Depressed over work...

I WILL not put myself through pain. 

I cant...

And so my recovery (Yes I am in recovery thanks to a program called NAR-Anon) is my MAIN focus...

Im just broken...


P.S: Welcome back to my blog...

7 comments:

Stephie J said...

Don't you dare take blame. He ruined this. He destroyed ur relationship. He fucked up.

You are beautiful and smart and amazing. He is an ugly worthless piece of shit meth addict. He needs to get the shit kicked out of him. He mind fucked you. You deserve better and will find better. Trust me. Never go back.

Please promise me that.

Barry said...

Honestly Stef, I know you're really hurting right now but you two obviously aren't meant to be together. You deserve SO much more, he's treated you worse than you ever did him. There will be times you'll probably want to justify his behaviour but you really can't, regardless of what you may have done in the relationship.

Please promise me you'll move on and get whatever help you need. And put him behind you. You're too amazing to be treated that way.

Amanda Roo said...

Don't take on the blame because the issue is so much bigger than you. HIS issues, HIS addiction, HIS ability to feel like he could treat you the way he did. There are NO excuses for his behavior because if he loved you he wouldn't even dream of treating you in the way that he has. I hope in time you can feel at peace with the situation and learn from it. There are men out there, good men, and i'm sure yours will find his way to you soon.

Sandy said...

As women, we do like to take the blame, don't we? Please don't. You didn't make him take drugs. You've tried to help him. It seems that your relationship is just so volatile. You deserve so much better than that.
Trust me luv. I spent YEARS trying to make a relationship work. We simply weren't meant to be. And it wasn't nearly as difficult as your has been. We simply weren't meant to be.
I know it hurts and I know it's hard to let go. But you really need to Stef. Yes, relationships take work. But not like this. As long as I've known you, your relationship has been volatile and destructive.
PLEASE take some time to just be by yourself. Really think about what you want in life, where you want to be, what you want to do. Focus on your strengths and the great qualities that you possess and you'll realize that you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you.
I've been there, done that. I understand. You know I'm here for you hunny.
Huge hugs comin atchya.
SOS

LaaLaa Monroe said...

He did what !!!

I'm literally shocked and so fucking pissed off.

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

Laura Melanie said...

RUN AWAY!!!! Gosh, I can't believe he did that to you. I hope to God you're not pregnant. About your relationship though, do not blame yourself because it takes two. I myself was in a bad relationship and after 8 yrs I said enough! I'm so much happier living life for me & growing to be a woman on my own that I wouldn't have it any other way. You know recently I was involved in a bad relationship again and I knew I deserved better and now, I have a great guy that treats me so good I'm glad I let go of my fears of holding on to that other idiot (Papi). Anyways, I'm not sure this helps but I hope we encourage you to make the right decision for you mija. You're so beautiful, the world is yours for the taking.

Yami Ann said...

Sweetheart please just try and stay strong, yes I know it's easier said than done but trust and have faith! God will never give you more then you can't handle..