He called me today.It was from a blocked number...and I am those people who pick up blocked calls. My mom calls me blocked alot...yep. He seems to be on a "I am okay" path but says inside he is hurting...He also played the "50/50" role but mostly blamed it on me...without using so many words of course. I cried...like a baby. I am not Gonna lie I was bundled in a ball crying my eyes out.
Some how he is convinced that 50% of the time I woke up fighting...not true. Anyone who knows me knows that I am like an animal...Im all good if you leave me be and do your thing...but if you poke me over and over expect me to say something. I have always had a problem with keeping what I feel inside at that exact moment I am feeling it.
He says he is Sober... So I look and feel crazy when I say:
1. He was sweating<--EXCESSIVELY!
2. Breaking out around his mouth and chin<--Said it was from his chin beard which when he was in rehab didnt break out. In FACT he had PERFECT skin while in rehab...go figure.
3. Bad Hygiene<---Would sweat and not shower, or not wipe his butt fully or wash his hands..
4.Paranoia --He was convinced I was cheating
5.aggressive behavior <---Thats a given
6. uncontrollable movements <---In his sleep he would jerk maybe once or twice as he was falling into sleep, but asleep jerk every other 2 hours.
7. false sense of confidence and power<--He thought he was Brad Pitt some days
8. delusions of grandeur leading to aggressive behavior
9. uninterested in friends, sex, or food<----Sometimes during sex he would not be able to get "Hard" It was limp for a good 6 days.....
10. severe depression<--Was always sad....
These behaviors are those of a user...But remember, he is NOT using and it is ALL IN MY HEAD...
So is it...am I the crazy one?
Are these behaviors those of a non-user? I have spoken to many recovering addicts who say, that the behaviors listed are those of a user...He once told me that he has PAW....Post Addiction Withdrawal...which to be honest he fits NONE of the characteristics...
I feel crazy...
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, is it REALLY a duck?
P.S: No baby....Got my period. Gopod thing right?
3 comments:
GREAT THING! So happy you're not pregnant.
You're definetly not crazy.. if anything you're crazy for staying so long.. you should have left months ago.
he's such a dick and you deserve so much better. stop giving him control of your emotions, he isn't worth your tears.
Hey Stef! It's been a minute! Sorry to hear about you and Ryan. He seems to really need help, something he can't get until he's really, truly ready.
You are definitely NOT crazy!
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