My Addict Valentine....

Ryan called me last night.

He told me he is at a motel down my street and he needs to see me for closure.

I told him it was a BAD idea. After all, yesterday I had a GREAT day.

Had lunch with a best friend, a drink, and the Los Angeles sun shined and the weather was amazing.

Seeing him would only make my recovery more hard.

However, against my wishes, he came.

He went through my neighbors gate and tapped on my bedroom window.

Scared I got up and hid, but then, I saw who it was...

Ryan.

He explained how he needed to see me and he was gonna leave a rose in my mailbox but was unsure if my mom would get it. I asked him where his car is.

STORY: The same girl Sonia who called him "Ricky" and wanted to party with "Tina" stole it. I asked why she would do such a thing...He said, "Because I wouldn't sleep with her. We were messing around chillin outside and she was sitting in my car while I stood outside. She then started to drive off and told me, 'Give me all the money in your wallet or I steal your car.' She stole it because I didnt want to sleep with her."

-Blank stare-

Is this SERIOUS...Because honestly, lets just be HONEST...that is an ADDICT STORY. So colorful and so interesting.

He said he still loves me and he is CLEAN.

Me thinking, "You stayed at someones house who does Meth and you are clean? Right-------------"

So I sit here...ONCE AGAIN second questioning myself. "Is he clean?"

My gut says "No"
His face looked as if he has been sweating and his eyes were so glossy.

He told me he now has a cig habit and just wanted me to know he wishes me a Happy Valentine's Day.

He left and so after I woke my mom up to see if she can get the neighbor to lock the gate.

What CLEAN SOBER person does that in the middle of the night??

Breaks into someone's yard and taps on someones window all for closure?

Hello My Name is Stefanie & I am Recovering...

I can sit here and tell you I am happy...The usual B.S.

But parts of me aren't.

Its those parts of me that Ache for him.

The parts that makes me wonder, "Why is he an addict"

It's the parts of me that make me want to lash out at his mother and brother for not seeing he is an addict.

The parts of me that want to yell at them fr enabling his drug use and sickness.
The parts that make me REALLY wonder how they DON'T see he is using.

Giving him his car back: Only lets him get to the drugs faster...

Giving him his iPhone back: Only allows him to communicate with his dealers and users

Giving him money: Only allows him to purchase them

I thought about the woman who called him "Ricky" and wanted to "Blow clouds" with him...

Funny how now I think about it...I was with a Ricky..someone whom I never even met-never even fell in love with...A "Ricky" not a Ryan...funny how he took on two identities....Which means I never really knew him.

I am scared to have fun because maybe I am scared I will enjoy it too much.

Let go and let God---

I will be okay...I think...

CONFESSION: I am sick too...

I ignored his pone calls...Yes, CALLS. He called and hung up, called and hung up, called and hung up.

3 times.

I was in the backseat of my moms car going to dinner.

I wanted to cry, pick up the phone and cry. But something in me just couldnt.

Maybe it was the mere fact that I am DONE crying and now I am trying to rearrange my life back to "Before Ryan"

I think I forgot what life was like before him.

From the stories I am told, I was a funny, kind, caring, amazing, talented, put-together, well-rounded, smart, sensitive, lovable person.

"I deserve better" I told myself.
"I made the RIGHT decision"  I chanted over and over in my head.

I was drowning in unhappiness with him.
When he was sad. I was.
When he was angry...so was I.

Who am I?

Stefanie silly.

I am Stefanie...

The smiling girl on my Facebook pictures look so happy and I wonder, where is she? That girl in the pictures.Where did she go...?

Ahhh addiction.

Addiction has hidden her.

She was thinner. Prettier. And HAPPIER...

I made the RIGHT decision.

I am 25. I need a man who is SOBER.Clean. Who makes me laugh more than cry.

Do men like that even exist?

I am scared that he has broken me beyond repair and the only man who will ever want me is an addict like himself. As he always told me, "No wonder I did drugs, to be with you a man has to be a little crazy"

Even though that WHOLE phrase stings me...some parts of me, the sick parts believe this..

I am sick. Sick isnt it?

Fuck My Life....

So he uses one of the numbers I got him.

 He said he went to meet the lady. Well it's about 30 mins driving. Bus longer. Well he said he got there in 30 minutes. Which I was like "okkayyyy" they apparently gave him a drug test. Negative. Which is weird because he said he used Meth and weed. I get negative for meth but weed.

 So I let it go.

The lady told him he is experiencing PAW..post acute withdrawal . That just because he used once during his "sobriety" doesn't mean he relapsed. So he needs meetings. Well. He was walking and said his mom wanted to pick him up. I asked where he was he said his feet hurt so he stopped at a little restaurant. I asked again and he said he was at a kfc by our house and his mom was there.

Okay.

So she takes him back to the aunts house In which he stole from. They took him to eat and pretty much told him I am not mentally good for his well being and that they dont wanna hear about their son. Okay whatever . They said that in 3 days he has changed. And they see a difference in him. And gave him back his car and next week he will get his phone back.

 Pretty much they enabled him.

Is his mother serious? When I heard this I thought, "She is asking him to use, use her, use his family and eventually die from it" I was appaled that she went to scoop him up because he had convinced her he has changed.

Last night he was talking about how 3 days in the street and now living on his own has made him better. This morning he asked if we can work it out. He said that he is so much better now and he knows things will be better. He said past events won't happen again....

I told him I can't do it. I'm crying and I can't do it. He hasn't helped himself. His mom gave him back the car and going to give him back the phone in which she pays for!! I told him that I just can't keep crying and I wanna be happy...he said "it won't ever happen again and I am changed. I feel brand new!"

The gullible side of me is : Wow...we an do this

But the realistic side of me knows I cannot put myself through anymore pain. If I do--I may just end up in a mental rehab or honestly, I may just end up to the point where I don't wanna live anymore.

I sat in my car and just balled.

Can someone please explain to me how an ADDICT changes in 3 days...

Can someone please explain to me how an Addict does drugs one day, "just one day Stef-It was just a hit" and that is NOT  a relapse???

Just please SOMEONE answer these two questions...

Today....

Ryan called me last night. Crying.
"Stef I need help" I asked him what happened to his Aunts and where he was.

He had stolen a ring from his cousin, confessed before they found out and with that alone, he was kicked out. His mom came to the house and pretty much told him, as well as his brother, "We are DONE with you." Told him she was tired of the manipulation, lying, stealing,and anything else that comes from addiction. I asked WHAT he was using. He said Meth and weed. He began to cry. "Im scared Stef, I need help. I need help"

He was in a motel that night. How he got a cell or a room is BEYOND me.

I called his brother, his brother said, "We have spent so much money and time on him that he needs to do it on his own. Its do or die. Sink or swim"
Which is true. They spent 10 years getting Ryan help. Ryan saying, "I need help" and then his family checking him in as he had wished.

I didnt know what to do. But I couldnt have agreed more. I told Ryan this. He cried and apologized and that was it.

This morning he called me as I was on my way to class. Said he was gonna find himself a recovery home, he didnt want to live like this.

I then told him that I couldnt talk to him no more.

He cried. I cried.

That was it.

He called me through out the day. I said I couldnt talk to him but obviously he didnt hear that

I then came home and my mom and I looked up numbers.

Found some and gave them to him. It is his choice to use em or not.

Where he is sleeping tonight is beyond me

Is it sad that in ways I am relieved. I STOPPED crying... I am no longer feeling hurt. I am feeling more of a "JUST GET HELP!"

I feel like he is trying suck me in to give him shelter so he doesnt have to sleep on the streets. He is a strong man, but I am sure the little boy in him is scared.

He has NO ONE.

Nothing.

I would be scared to.

I know now that he is coming down, he realizes he lost everything. I am not sure whats an act and whats not.

But he is a lone soul. With no money. No shelter. No family, friends and me...

All I can do is pray he uses the numbers I gave him and he seeks help. FOR HIM.

Short.......

I sit here. Sunday. Confused. Torn. Sad. Relived. Tired. Drained.

Part of me wants to smile. The smile is coming from a place of not having to fight, walk on eggshells, cry, worry, bicker, play detective.

Then there is a part of me that wants to just cry. Cry.Cry.Cry.Cry...

Like a newborn baby waiting for someone to pick her up and just cradle me until I fall asleep.

Is this normal?

How do I know when its not Normal?

Maybe I need someone who has experience tell me, "Stefanie, He is using and its not your fault."

Is it normal to miss him?

Because I do.

Is it normal to just look at him and think, "Why?"

Noted Thoughts....

 

It's been one week. Exactly. I don't know where to start or even where it stops.... A Part of me HATES him. A part of me ...not a part...many parts still love him. The parts that are RYAN....MY RYAN.

I dunno how I am suppose to be feeling. Some say my big girl panties should be put on and others are telling me the crying wont stop within a week...I am on the crying wont stop side of the fence.  I put the Big Girl Panties on and I can sit there and not cry, but any moment I get...alone...Trapped in a room with my own thoughts, the thoughts of his kisses. His hugs...his laugh....

Some say, "You miss the thought of him..." No I am 99/9% sure I miss HIM. Never missed a man like this. I feel like a body part is missing and I am dying to have it back.

And so I sit there...Missing him...

He told me a story about after a N.A meeting he and a few of the guys played poker for 2.5 hours. He gave a guy a ride home, but wasn't sure (didn't know) his name. The guy left his wallet in his car so Ryan brought it back to him. How do you A) Play poker with someone for 2.5 HOURS and not catch someones name and B) How do you give someone a ride home without knowing their name? He later said it was some Mexican name he couldn't pronounce...The story just isn't making sense.

I'm going to disband comments on this post...for what I am about to say may make some mad...but these are MY feelings. And JUST SO YOU KNOW...I AM NOT GOING BACK TO RYAN....But...

I sometimes wonder if I am making a mistake.

If some how I was the problem that created this heartache and mess.

If we can work it out...

If he is telling the truth..

What if...what if....what if.....

Yes...My heart still says, "Ryan...." and my head says, "No Stef......"

How can I still love him?

Because I do.....

The pain I feel feels as if I can die. I feel like dying. I feel like my insides are just torn into shreds....

I miss him....

And I want this pain to stop....

I miss him....

I hate this IMMENSE pain I am feeling...